Expectations Of Others Creates Problems  Spoken By Supreme Master Ching Hai October 4, 1998, Florida Center, USA (Originally In English)  

   It's the same with a marriage and relationship. We expect the partner to be this, to be that, to do  that, to do this, and when they don't act like the one that we like, we're disappointed, get hurt, and want  to get out of the relationship. But the relationship is not meant for you to expect the other person to do  what you want, but to do what you want yourself, to show what you are, how good you are, how you  want to be in that relationship; what kind of person you want to be in that relationship, in the marriage.  You want to be a good wife, a super wife, a tolerant one, a faithful one, or what you want to be in your  role, not to expect from your husband all the time what he's going to be, how he's going to act toward  you, how he's going to talk to you. But that's the problem with marriage. You get it all wrong.    You think, "Okay, now that I've met him, now that I've met her, my life will change. It will be  fantastic. He or she is going to make me happy." It's not true. You are going to make yourself happy or  not in that relationship. But most of the time we expect the other partner to make us happy, to be the  one that we like in our picture, and that's the problem. We forget to be what we want to be. We forget  to make a schedule for ourselves, make an idealistic kind of agenda for ourselves. And we make an  agenda for our partner. We make a kind of appointment, a kind of picture for our partner to fit into.  Both expect the same way and that's why things fall apart. We get it all wrong.     In whatever situation we're in, we have to check ourselves only. What are we going to do in this  situation? What are we going to be? What do we want to show? Which part of goodness do we want to  present to our partner or to the world? It's not that the other partner has to present us anything.  Whatever he or she wants to present, that's their problem. Our problem is just ourselves, always us.  But most people, when they are married, or when they have a partner or a friendship, they pay all their  attention to the other half, and check it out: "Oh, he did it wrong." "She did it badly." or "She's no  good. He's not nice." You forget that we have to check ourselves, that we are the one who is  important.     Any relationship, any situation is meant for us to learn, not for the other person. The other person is  a catalyst only. It's an excuse for us to exercise our power, our imagination about ourselves. That's the  problem. That's why marriages often don't work. So check out your marriage and revise it. It's not  about your husband, about your wife, but about yourself, what kind of person you want to be, or to  show him or her in this relationship. If he reacts well to it, fine, and if he or she doesn't react well to  it, there's not much you can do about it. But just check yourself, if you're still balanced, if you're still  on the right track, if you're okay or not okay. If he stays with you, he stays; if he leaves, he leaves. You  can't do much. But you cannot put all your attention on him and then lose yourself and forget yourself.  The more you pay attention to him or her, the more you go wrong; and the more he or she criticizes.  Then it's finito. (Applause)

 
    You just do what you want, what you feel is best for yourself. You're married to him, and now,  check the list of what you want to do about yourself, what I'm going to be, what I'm going to offer him,  what I'm going to be with him, how I'm going to react. It's about yourself, not about him.

 
    Even if you tried to do 100%, you'd change completely into another person, it still wouldn't work,  because he would expect something else. You never know what he or she would expect, because  everyone is different anyhow. But the problem is that everyone gets into a friendship, a relationship, a  courtship or marriage, trying to check out the other partner, whether he's doing good or bad, or trying  to please the partner until you completely lose yourself. Then you feel very resentful, because you've  lost yourself, because you're not yourself anymore. You feel bad and leave; or you're kaput, you fight,  or you become bitter with each other. You don't change yourself; you don't lose yourself. You do  whatever you think is best for you.

 
    Imagine, I'm a faithful wife, that's what I want to be, and that's the best of me. Then be a faithful  wife. But meanwhile, he might be faithful, and he might not. Don't get hurt. If he's not faithful like you,  and if you still can tolerate it, stay; but if you can't, go. It's up to you. It's yourself that you have to care  about and you have to control. Don't try to control the other party, and then you won't be so unhappy.

 
    Be what you want to be, as long as you think it's best for yourself. Maybe it's not the best, but as  long as in that situation you think the best is to be like that, to act like that, then do it. You still have to  learn to reclaim yourself. You might make mistakes, but it's okay. There's no need to pray. You can  pray if you want to. Say, "Master, let me know what is the best of myself that I want to bring out."  That's it. Your partner sometimes tests you just to make you bring out the best in yourself. Sometimes  he or she doesn't know that. You also don't know that you bring out the best in him, if he wants to  recognize it that way. Most people just like to criticize the other partner and forget about themselves.  When we forget ourselves, we're in trouble. We have to always be centered. It doesn't matter what  other people say or do, we have to think of what we want to do.